I always envision myself sitting on the top of a soft lush green hill surrounded by hilly mountain tops taking in the vibrant colors of the sky as the sun sets. This is my calm, this is my peace, this is my joy. This is where I am nothing at all. I just exist. Nothing more, nothing less. I Am.
My mind is always racing. My thoughts won’t let me relax. I want to scream. I want to run away. I want someone to confide in. I am impatient. I want to burst. I can not sleep. Does any of this matter? I do not know who I am. I do not care but I have to care. I have to get through this. Why can’t I just take all my pills? I want to feel ok. Is this normal? I’m overthinking. I hate this. I hate it so much. This can’t be real. Why me? Why am I here? What do you want? Just leave me alone. I’m really trying. I really am.
AM I DOING THIS RIGHT?
WHERE WILL I BE?
and the most important question of all:
WHAT. THE. FUCK. AM. I. DOING?
These questions consume my mind weekly. At times I feel inadequate. Because at times it seems as if I’m just not “there” yet – whatever “there” means. Perhaps this is due to the fact that there is pressure to achieve and do things by a certain age. It’s this condescending statement that always gets under my skin, “Well you’re [insert age] years old now” so basically you need to have your shit together. Well guess fucking what?! I don’t, not like you want me to have my shit together. I’m still learning and figuring shit out. There’s so much pressure to get “there” but I’ve realized that “there” is only a concept. There’s no such thing. Everyone moves at their own pace, lives their own lives, and does what the hell they want to do. It comes a time where you have to realize you are the one that is living your life, no one else. Take those outside opinions with a grain of salt and make sure you’re in tune with the star player in your life – yourself.