I’ve been hating myself lately…
All of this is irrational but I can’t help but revel in these negative thoughts. I’m not enough. I never was. I just can’t get it right. Nothing is ever right. I’m stuck. I’m lost. I don’t know what I want. I’m fat. I’m ugly. I’m stupid. I’m nothing.
Goddamnit I hate myself.
A soothing spirit. A hand to hold in happy and sad times. A keeper to my secrets. Small, but resilient. In you I find love. For always and a day, mi Yahany.
Here’s to a life full of AMAZING adventures, lots of travel, different countries, meeting new people, falling in love with whoever, exploring new places, being free, independence, knowledge, wealth, great food, and wild sex. Here’s to a life filled with nothing but LOVE!
A rumbling in the distance. A blaring horn. Vibrations throughout the body. Stillness in the dark. Ancient instruments. Running water. Quiet thoughts. Deep breaths. Doors slamming. Heavy footsteps. Clanking ice. Squeaky bed. Murmured voices. Flickering light. Roaring engine. Shadows. Dozing eyes. Soft skin. Sore limbs. Pink background. 11:31. Incoming Call. Excited shrieks. Overwhelming gratitude. Teary eyed. Late. Night.
I always envision myself sitting on the top of a soft lush green hill surrounded by hilly mountain tops taking in the vibrant colors of the sky as the sun sets. This is my calm, this is my peace, this is my joy. This is where I am nothing at all. I just exist. Nothing more, nothing less. I Am.
I’m tapping my fingers on my sheets, but yet those aren’t my fingers. I hear the drumming noise from fingers; fingers that aren’t mine. I’m here, but I’m not here.
The mind is wicked. It loves to play tricks. Oh, it takes great pleasure in your demise. You know this, but yet you continue to fuel it’s sinister playfulness. Perhaps you live for the hurt and the nasty words that flow so elegantly from your tainted mouth. The mind is a trickster and you’re its muse…
And in my darkest hours I look to you. If you’re there I pray you hear me. My voice may ache but I am sincere. My eyes are swollen with tears but I want to see clearly. Tears stain my cheeks and it shows my fears. But I am here and if you’re there I pray you hear me. I pray. I pray. I pray. I pray you hear me.