A rumbling in the distance. A blaring horn. Vibrations throughout the body. Stillness in the dark. Ancient instruments. Running water. Quiet thoughts. Deep breaths. Doors slamming. Heavy footsteps. Clanking ice. Squeaky bed. Murmured voices. Flickering light. Roaring engine. Shadows. Dozing eyes. Soft skin. Sore limbs. Pink background. 11:31. Incoming Call. Excited shrieks. Overwhelming gratitude. Teary eyed. Late. Night.
I always envision myself sitting on the top of a soft lush green hill surrounded by hilly mountain tops taking in the vibrant colors of the sky as the sun sets. This is my calm, this is my peace, this is my joy. This is where I am nothing at all. I just exist. Nothing more, nothing less. I Am.
I’m tapping my fingers on my sheets, but yet those aren’t my fingers. I hear the drumming noise from fingers; fingers that aren’t mine. I’m here, but I’m not here.
The mind is wicked. It loves to play tricks. Oh, it takes great pleasure in your demise. You know this, but yet you continue to fuel it’s sinister playfulness. Perhaps you live for the hurt and the nasty words that flow so elegantly from your tainted mouth. The mind is a trickster and you’re its muse…
And in my darkest hours I look to you. If you’re there I pray you hear me. My voice may ache but I am sincere. My eyes are swollen with tears but I want to see clearly. Tears stain my cheeks and it shows my fears. But I am here and if you’re there I pray you hear me. I pray. I pray. I pray. I pray you hear me.
Time is always ticking, never ending clicking. Countdown…4,3,2,1…start and never stop…on and on to the very top, breathe in breathe out, give it all you got, never a moments rest, this is your test, you gotta be the very best but remember not to stress, because que será será and you’ll always go very far.
And I hope you remember how far you’ve come. I hope you take the time to congratulate yourself. I hope you know you have it in you. I hope you reach your potential. I hope you know you’re everything and more.
My mind is always racing. My thoughts won’t let me relax. I want to scream. I want to run away. I want someone to confide in. I am impatient. I want to burst. I can not sleep. Does any of this matter? I do not know who I am. I do not care but I have to care. I have to get through this. Why can’t I just take all my pills? I want to feel ok. Is this normal? I’m overthinking. I hate this. I hate it so much. This can’t be real. Why me? Why am I here? What do you want? Just leave me alone. I’m really trying. I really am.